BuzzFeed is Shit.

I wrote this when I was writing for another site so it’s not the most topical since this BuzzFeed video was December 10th, 2015 but it was fun to write because I really don’t like BuzzFeed. Enjoy.

In a bid to create content at any cost, the highest of which is our neurons, BuzzFeed has proven that the word “journalism” is highly flexible. It’s not exactly news to say that BuzzFeed isn’t news when their average daily spewing consists of “Weird Things Couples Do”, however, it’s still fun to poke fun at their attempts at social commentary.

I’m willing to forgive them their inadequacy in the journalistic integrity department for the most part because they give me a little chuckle every once in awhile. That, and I’m not moronic enough to think BuzzFeed is anything more than a cotton candy dispenser, delivering the sweet and sugary but lacking in any real nutritional content. I can watch their videos and read their endless lists that list things that are self-evident to anyone who has a coherent thought in their brain and not feel a stirring of anything that I need to truly ponder. Man and woman cannot subsist on literary health food all the time – we need junk food every once in awhile. BuzzFeed delivers.

Do I piss my Pampers when I see a BuzzFeed video generally? Nope. I honestly have no reason to be angry about anything they post: especially their Tasty videos where they show awesome recipes that will never get cooked but are fun to watch being cooked. Actually, I take that back because I did their enchiladas once and it was phenomenal. 

In the spirit of our favorite cotton candy website, I’m going to make a list of each example in the “article” and “video blog” by Kristin Chirico, Kirsten King, Sheridan Watson, Nina Mohan, Allison Bagg, Candace Lowry, Macey J Foronda, Charlotte Gomez, and Caitlin Cowie. Note: As to the last contributor: BuzzFeed – if you needed a “token Caitlin” contributor to pay for doing zero work, I am super-duper unemployed. Probably because of my shitty attitude. I own this.

Nina is up first. Thank goodness for BuzzFeed’s listy-lists, by the way – it kept me from having to watch the damn video again and possibly cause complete brain erosion:nina.jpg

Ah, the redheaded stepchild of the comic book world: Milo Manara’s Spider-Woman booty picture. It received so much controversy, my eyes bled from reading all the content on Twitter and blah blah blah. For some reason, people were really pissed off. But that’s not the focus – the focus is dear Nina. Nina tells us this pose is “HARD AF”, which to you internet illiterate folks means “hard as fuck” without actually having to say “as fuck” because “fuck” is a bad word and using a cute acronym makes you more credible as a contributor/journalist/comic book drawing impersonator. Maybe it’s naggy on my part but if you’re going to cuss, go for the gold. If you’re trying to be cute, it fell flat. Flat AF.

I am sorry you “legit broke a sweat”. Sweating is so icky, isn’t it? Ew.

Frank Cho has drawn a parody of this so many times and it’s been written about so much, I feel this is the only way to address Nina’s pose further:

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Kristen.jpg

Our next pose is from Kirsten. I bet she’s one of those people that gets pissed off if you call her Kristen.

Let me let you in on a little secret, Kristen. See, Kristen, since your website is absolutely horrid at citing sources, they just put “DC Comics”. My APA citation style is a bit rusty but I’d like to know the artist of this piece. I googled some signatures but those can change over the years.

If it’s who I think it is, based largely on the fact that Wonder Woman has no feet and is anatomically as incorrect as one can possibly get in the art world (save for abstract artists like Picasso), he’s a generally loathed artist anyway. Maybe not even loathed so much as an “enjoyable guy to hate”. I consider it a personal accomplishment that he’s banned me on Twitter. I’ve actually brought it up in conversation as a means of “nerd cred” because I’m really proud and no, I don’t care how sad that sounds.

You’re using muscles you didn’t know existed? He draws muscles that don’t exist so you’re fighting a losing battle, Kristen. Don’t lump comic creators in with this dirt merchant. Trust me when I say that creators and fans alike take no responsibility for anything he does. He’s like a skin tag on your arm: it really isn’t any use and it’s aesthetically kind of disturbing/gross but it takes far more effort to get rid of it than to just live with it. Rob Liefeld is the comic book industry’s skin tag.

Even if it isn’t him, regardless, I agree with you that the art is crappy; this is more an issue of artistic skill and less with any overwhelming need for the comics industry to objectify women. It’s just bad art, Kristen. Calm down.

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Yes, Rob…shut up.

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Thanks for clearing up it’s Yelena Belova “Black Widow” and not Natasha Romanov, guys. It really boosts your credibility in the area of using fictional characters as a means to accuse an entertainment industry of sexism and destroying self-confidence. Don’t insult my intelligence – I know who the fuck it is; anyone who cares who it is knows who it is.

If you need to go see a “chiropracter” now, I’d suggest maybe stopping by an English class on your way, Macey. The picture is out of context, anyway, since you’re lying on the floor and Yelena is in the air. You know, the glaringly obvious thing that I guess I have to address here:

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I can’t fully trust someone who uses a doctor that employs techniques my 6 year old daughter can mimic by walking on my back. Feels good? Yes. Does she have a medical degree? Maybe from Doc McStuffins but overall? No. Healthy? Probably not.

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You know who we should get to mimic a well-toned warrior? A plus-sized woman…clearly.

There aren’t enough words in the English language to address this one. It’s like they aren’t even trying. Thanks for eluding to taking a shit, Sheridan. I’m not super classy, myself, but there’s a damn line.

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When superheroes go throughout their day, I imagine they don’t sit around “chillin’, waiting to save the day”. Many of them have day jobs, families, and hobbies. Wolverine? Yoga, meditation, and hockey. Superman? Journalist. Deadpool? Being batshit insane. These are human beings, Candace – how DARE you objectify them?! Wait, what?

If they’re not attending to the day-to-day, they are hitting the gym and training dojos to hone their craft. This is all in my own imagination but I imagine most people would agree with me that a majority of superheroes, if they existed, would not just be Netflixing and waiting for shit to go down. I don’t care what you’d wear to a potential fight. No one cares, Candace. No one on Earth cares what you think. I’d love to say you’re the worst of the bunch but you’re not and that’s heartrending.

P.S. Storm flies like a badass – you knelt on a crate. These are facts.

Kristin.jpg

Psylocke verbatim says: “We wouldn’t want you to get hurt.” See? She doesn’t want you to get hurt! There’s no reason to even do this! A comic book character with extensive ninja training, psionic and telepathic mutant powers, and the ability to come back from the dead numerous times also has the ability to save you from doing idiotic BuzzFeed content.

You didn’t listen to her, did you? Dammit, Kirsten (I gave Kristen your name and you, hers).

I would love to end here with Kirsten/Kristen/Who Gives A Shit but I can’t because of this quote from her:

“You can’t help but feel, like, really bad about yourself…even if I was Psylocke’s size, I don’t have the legs that she has and my torso is not that long. I didn’t realize how short my thighs were until this moment, so that’s a new thing that I can worry about.”

With that quote we’ve reached the middle of this twisted, crazy shrubbery maze. Again, in listy-list McListy List BuzzFeed form…my final thoughts:

  1. A man’s perspective is not examined (save for ONE SENTENCE buried at the bottom of the article) because I doubt they found any man that said “Man, the way Captain America looks on that cover really makes me feel horrible about myself.” This isn’t because men don’t have self-image issues but rather most of them don’t comment upon it at length. The men who are vocal about self-image issues are called “pussies” by radical feminists. I’m not lying – I see it all the time and that’s so incredibly hypocritical and sad. I could even pontificate on the fact that I didn’t get the impression any of these women were comic book fans – if they were, they would care less about not looking like Wonder Woman and probably be more interested in the story. Regardless, I’ve just put in with this one bullet point more in-depth content on the male perspective than BuzzFeed even tried to cover.
  2. I am proud to be a woman but I don’t think anyone with a vagina should emulate the thought process described above in these women. It’s unhealthy to compare yourself to real “live” models/actresses who are paid to “look pretty” (i.e. Photoshopped), let alone drawn comic book characters. As Katt Williams says: “Self esteem is esteem of your motherfuckin self, simple bitch”.
  3. I didn’t once get the sense that any of these women were bias-free with this. There were no revelations or positive lessons learned. There were a bunch of women with preconceived notions that used some of the most controversial or just plain bad art to make the most non-point ever.
  4. While I believe Katt Williams , I have to say that the last model was done a huge disservice. That young woman obviously has body image issues that go far deeper than her inability to look like Psylocke. BuzzFeed exploited her, which I guess is funny in an ironic way that they exploited a woman with a fragile ego in an article that has the goal of exposing exploitation in a fictional entertainment industry. Never mind. It’s not funny. It’s sad…and infuriating.

Kristen (Psylocke Model) – I heard your laughter in that video and it was really joyous and beautiful. It was the only part of the video I enjoyed. As much as I think people should take accountability for their own self image issues, my heart aches for you because I know it isn’t easy. I hope you find happiness with your body.

While most of this article has been this bitch bitching about theses bitches bitching, let me leave you with something positive that I like to read when I’m down:

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2 thoughts on “BuzzFeed is Shit.

  1. Spider-Woman has the ability to stick to walls and super agility. Probably should find someone who sticks to walls and has super agility. Those people tend to be able to contort their body a little easier. ALSO SHE IS NOT ON A FLAT SURFACE! SHE JUST CLIMBED OVER THE EDGE OF THE BUILDING AND HER BODY IS STILL PARTIALLY HANGING OVER!

    Regarding Wonder Woman… Look, I love Liefield. He’s basically my childhood. He’s the artist I wanted to be when I was a kid. He should never be used as a reference in proper anatomy. Also, Wonder Woman probably has muscles Kirsten doesn’t.

    Look, Allison, just because you can knock out a Warrior Three pose does not make you an above Olympic level gymnast. Also, it’s like a snapshot. There’s a good chance she wasn’t in that position a half second before or after it was taken.

    Learn to squat Sheridan. Humans shit for centuries before we had toilets to sit on. This isn’t even remotely a difficult pose.

    Candance. Be suspended in the air. It’s probably a lot easier to pop your hip like that if you’re not on a crate. Your hips DO lie.

    Kristin. Once again. She’s suspended in the air and a god damned ninja. What do you do with your day job?

    Liked by 2 people

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